


Phony

by DeadPoet



Series: The cake is a lie! [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, But Tony is still Tony, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Homophobic Language, Literature is sexy, M/M, Past Violence, Phil Coulson is Darcy Lewis's Father, Phil Is a Good Bro, Phil Needs a Hug, Phil can not cook, Pining, Tony Has Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3402002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadPoet/pseuds/DeadPoet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some decisions change our lives forever. Phil Coulson had not thought that pretending to be his friend's fiancee would have such an impact on his life, but he didn't know Tony Stark before nor could he ever imagine what this man would start to mean to him.<br/>Which was a good thing because otherwise he would have taken a tactical retreat into serious consideration.</p><p>Can be read as a stand alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phony

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is now the second part of _The cake is a lie!_. It's just that I started to feel really bad for Phil in _Kitchen Nightmares_ , so this is settled in that universe. The first two chapters will take place before _Kitchen Nightmares_ , the third will be parallel to it and after that it will progress further.

It has to be said, that Phil Coulson had always been a man of few, very selected friends. He never took lightly to people and it was a long way down to become friendly and accustomed enough with him so that the term 'friend' was appropriate. The individuals who did meet these criterias got a friend indeed then, a person that was loyal and  
that to a t. 

Phil had to remind himself of the fact, that Pepper was such a rare individual, a person whose company he enjoyed and who he himself loved in the calm, unpassionate way that was his custom. 

He sipped his tea and looked up again. “You are in dire need of a fiancee.” He did not normally indulge in echoing what people said, rephrasing and repeating it until the words had lost all their meaning, but he was under the impression, that he did indeed had to make sure that she really had said what he had heard.  
“Yes.” She said nothing more, playing with the tarte on her place.  
“You want me to be said fiancee.”  
She gave a sharp nod.  
Phil sighed and massaged his temple. “Pepper. It's not that I would not appreciate a straight version of myself as your fiancee, but you do have a longterm boyfriend.”  
“I don't, actually.” Pepper shrugged and sipped her tea, then smiled again at him. It was a strained, brittle thing that smile. 

_Oh._

Phil tried to not feel smug or happy about that. He had never really met Anthony Stark, but by everything he had heard, he didn't think that he would like that man very much. He had never seemed like the right man for Pepper anyway.  
“Is there a reason?”  
She shrugged and looked at the distance. “Not really, no. It just...there was no reason to stay with him either, you know?”  
Phil did know. He nodded. The mood had turned solemn and he tried to bite back a bad joke. Pepper didn't deserve him being snarky about something like that. She had really liked the man, Phil knew that. He had never understood that sentiment, but well. Maybe you had to meet Stark to really fall for him. Phil had never cared that much. 

He did however care for Pepper. And he did care about what good a fake fiancee would do her, _him_ especially. Her parents knew him, her friends knew him and he had accompanied her to two highschool-reunions. On an other page they all knew very well, that he wasn't about to put a ring on her finger, unless they were both alone when reaching 40 and wanted to adopt 3 kids and breed dogs. He himself had reached the mark already, Pepper had a few years left. Phil did not doubt that he himself would still be single and Pepper would now find someone who was more close to her class.  
“So what need do you have for a fake fiancee?”  
“None.”  
Phil raised his eyebrows and then noticed the lack of mischief on her face. She was earnest, awfully much so.  
“I am afraid that I do not understand.”

Pepper pushed the cake on her plate from one side to the other, than she sighed again and massaged her temple. Finally she looked up and him straight in the eye, direct and honest like she always had been. “Tony doesn't understand.”, she said.  
“Well, that's hardly surprising.” Phil didn't allow himself to smile. “He always sounded very sure of himself and set in his ways. You described him like a petulant child.”  
Pepper pressed her lips together. She didn't like his phrasing, but well. She would have to live with it and Phil himself sensed that he wouldn't like where this conversation was going.  
“He...he can be charming. And I'd really like for us to be able to become friends again at one point, but... Phil, he's sending me flowers.”  
“You're not allergic, I don't see the offence in that.”  
“I couldn't leave the flat, Phil. They were everywhere I had to have someone come in and get rid of them. I was being noted down absent of work because of flowers.”  
“You work for Stark.”  
“Yes, but not directly for him. Not any longer. I am in charge of the channel now.”  
Phil would never understand, why Tony Stark had purchased a TV channel. It didn't make any sense and he didn't seem to be that interested in it. But on the other hand he had probably been drunk by the time he had purchased it. 

“So...basically you need someone to catch the punches?”  
“I need someone I trust.” Pepper looked at him with big eyes. “I need someone I trust with _him_. He's a good man, Phil, he's just...he's too much. Too much for me, anyway. And I do honestly believe that I am not what he needs. But I am what he wants at the moment or what he thinks he wants and I can't take it much longer.”  
Phil looked at her for a while, then sighed and offered her a handkerchief. This would maybe not be too bad. Stark would leech on something new soon enough. So Phil just needed to make it clear, that he shouldn't make this hard on Pepper any more.  
“Okay.”, he said. “I'll be your fake fiancee.”  
Late, Phil would mark these words as the beginning of the end of his sanity. 

*~*~*

Stark was sitting there in his underpants, his feet on his desk. The underpants were boxershorts with little dollar signs on them. It was the most stupid thing Phil had seen in a long time. He wanted to massage the migraine away that was starting behind his forehead. Instead of that, he put his hands behind his back and went into parade stance.  
Stark had his eyes closed and was talking to him. He probably thought that he was the butler. No one else would be coming in here, now that Pepper wasn't around any more. Not like that at least. 

“I'm thinking plush, Jarvis. Like....giant plushed animals! Maybe dogs. Uuuuuh, I could send her a dozen fluffy puppies! Real puppies! No idea how that woman could ever leave me. I think she wanted the game back, this little dance we have going on.”  
“I do hope you're speaking about someone else than my fiancee, taking into account, that she is afraid of dogs of any type, age and size. For your other question I must confess that I am more baffled by the fact that she was thralled by you the first time. Maybe the fumes in your workshop lowered her defences.”  
Stark fell off his office chair. Phil took this as some kind of achievement and waited for the man to get a grip on what was happening. Stark pointed a finger ta him. “You...you...WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY WORKSHOP?”  
“My name is Phil Coulson. I believe Pepper might have mentioned me.” 

“Coulson like -” Stark looked him up and down. Seeing as the man was still in his underwear and stank of sweat and grease, that was pretty annoying. Phil wasn't in his best suit, but he was looking as good as he got. Sure, he wasn't a model or young but he was _decent_ and put together.  
Stark smirked. “Yeah, that's some kind of joke, right? Pepper got a TV team nearby? 'Cause I'm not buying _that_.” He wiggled his hands at Phil and stood up, tried to find out, where the hidden cameras might be. When he didn't see any of them, he started to poke Phil. “You have them in this suit, agent?”  
“Phil. Or Mr Coulson for you.” Phil caught the wandering hands, pushed them on the back of his back and then pushed Stark against the nearest wall, crowded him in. The man was small but compact. He had a nice strength in these limbs and the broad chest. Too bad the guy was an immature ass. “Listen. We don't have to be friends. We don't have to like each other. But my fiancee would like to be friends with you, so we'll have to try for being civil. You are invited to dinner on Wednesday. Please be decent when you come and don't send my fiancee puppies or I might taze you.”  
He let go of the man, turned around and left. One dinner and then he would never have to deal with the man again.

*~*~*

Tony really didn't know what Pepper was going to do with that guy. He was so _boring_ and _old_! The man had somehow managed to get into a high security area without breaking a sweat, had forced Tony against a wall and he had been BORING while doing it. That needed some craft.  
He still didn't believe Pepper. How could you go from HIM, Mr Tony Stark, good looking, billionaire, philanthropist, guy extra ordinaire to Mr Bland Suit? Nah, he didn't buy it. She had hired a real bad actor and put him up against Tony, that was what this was all about.  
He would call them out on it, when it would be obvious how uncomfortable they were with each other. Pepper had problems with people coming close, touching.  
As a matter of fact he had never been to Pepper's house, so he took his time to look it up and down and to whistle about it. It was made of brickstones, wild vine and a small garden around it. It was nice. Homey. Down to earth. 

Tony could be standing on Mars. This was just not his world, planet, galaxy. He looked back to Happy, who made shooing gestures. Damn employees who were acting like surrogate mums for him. Tony shook his head, straightened his back and then went to the door to knock. He used the rhythm of _Eye of the tiger_.  
It was the guy who opened the door. He was in a suit. A complete suit. He was looking like he was there to do Pepper's taxes. He looked more put together than Tony did when he had to go to chairmen meetings. “Thanks, James, keep up the good work. Here's my coat, I guess the missus's in the kitchen?”  
He pushed his coat into the man's arms and pushed him aside, so he could enter the house.  
Pepper was standing in the kitchen. She was working on boiling the pasta, dancing and humming. Her pony tail was bouncing up and down. Tony just stood there and stared at her for a moment. Fuck, she was beautiful. Tony just stood there and felt his heart beating, skipping every third beat like a little girl hopping through the fields.  
“He has no manners.” The suit destroyed the moment like the fucker he was. He pushed Tony aside, slid into the kitchen and kissed Pepper on the head. “I hope you at least taught him not to poop on the carpet.”  
“Poop? _Really?_ What the fucking shit are ya? Boyscout? Is there a damn glass around to put bills in for nasty words?”

The suit sighed and put a glass in front of him. “You want to pay for the new garage, help yourself out. It's a dollar per word.” He looked at Pepper, who had turned around and was smiling now, indulgent and nice and warm, like she had always been. She put a hand on suit's cheek. “Hon...”  
“I know, I know...be nice. But I am calling this strike one.” Suit turned around. “Seeing as I am banned from the kitchen for nor good reason at all”  
“Apart from our favorite firemen having their free day.”  
“banned for _no good reason at all_ , I may offer you a glass of scotch, Mr Stark.”  
Tony was pretty sure that he did not want a scotch, at least not the kind of piss that Suit was drinking. He had to be drinking piss, one just had to take one freaking look at this disgusting suit to fucking know that the guy had no taste whatsoever. 

“Oh, hon?” Suit turned around, his eyebrows raised. Pepper leaned forward and put a finger on his lips. “Play nice.”  
“You make me rethinking our relationship.”  
“No, I don't. You love me more than cooking shows.”  
“I love you more than cold pizza.”  
“Coffee?”  
“That's just too much to ask.”  
“A girl has to know her place.”

Suit kissed Pepper's nose.

Well. Maybe Tony DID need a drink, no matter what kind of piss he got here. He drank a glass and he drank an other and he waited for the fucking clue that these two were faking it but...but they were _touchy_ with each other and at ease and they had freaking insiders and...  
Tony started to ask himself for how long this had been going on. How long had these two known each other? Oh, he knew that Pepper would never cheat on him, but... Had this guy been the reason? Had they met, fallen in love despite his awful suits and totally lack of personality? Had they made jokes and looked at each other and... Had Tony just become second best?  
He was brooding the rest of the visit and he didn't care. When he left, he shook Suit's hand and asked himself, if maybe, MAYBE the fact that they seemed to live together already was a sign, that he had been too late. But on the other hand... Pepper was perfect for him. She was the one gal who hadn't run after a while and he could be faithful for her. That was nothing, that he could let go, just like that.  
He was thinking about it while leaving and he was turning plans over in his head, how he would make this right again. 

*~*~*

Phil thought that that would be the end of it. He guessed that there would be a little bit of harassment, that Stark would try to trouble him, but really, what was he able to do? Phil didn't have much ties in NewYork and he was searching for a job, not very likely to find one soon. The worst Stark could do was to show up and be his aggravating self.  
Nothing at all happened for a few days and then Phil got an SMS from Pepper. _Tower. Now. HELP! SOS!_  
Five minutes later, when he was in the tub already: _PLEASE!_

He made a dash for the tower, dodged the – seriously under trained – security staff, grabbed a young scientist and asked for the fastest way to get to Mr Anthony Stark. Phil was pretty sure that the guy – normally – would have never ever told him. But normally didn't include Phil and his best menacing stare and the half smile that Nick told him made him look like a shark on a vegetarian diet – thus a very, very, VERY grumpy shark.

The poor kid just wanted to keep it's limbs. 

So it didn't take Phil that long, all in all to get to the room were Tony and Pepper were seated. It looked like a breakroom and for a moment Phil didn't understand what he was seeing. There was a third person. Tony and Pepper were sitting on a couch and the third person was sitting in a chair, looking at Stark, who was talking animatedly.  
The man wasn't young, he wasn't pretty. He was a bit round and grey and...and Phil knew him. Phil blinked. He knew the man, because he had become way too accustomed with daytime TV while he was out of work.  
Tony Stark had actually gotten _the_ Doctor Phil into his tower to...do pair therapy...with Pepper. 

Oh my. 

Pepper now caught his gaze and looked at him pleadingly. Phil just grinned. Oh, this was priceless. He watched Stark going on and on and on about how he was willing to put the work into it, _you know_ , but he was just a man and he had a very demanding job and an excentric personality but that made him special and -  
“Yes, we all know about your status as a special little snowflake, Mr Stark.”  
Phil grinned and planted himself between the pair, putting a hand over Pepper's shoulders. “Doctor Phil, it is so nice to meet you in person. I'm Phil – that's actually my name, no pun intended – and I am Miss Pott's fiance. I do believe the matter of her breaking up with Mr Stark and getting together with me has not been yet on the table? I would hate to delay the natural course of the things, but it did seem like the right moment for the surprise guest.”

Doctor Phil looked at him, blinking slowly. Then he looked at Stark. “Tony, you did not tell me, that Miss Potts is engaged.”  
“BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT!” Stark pointed at Phil, who got the feeling that he should be insulted. “LOOK AT HIM! He's freaking _boring_! He's a suit! There's nothing underneath that! He's dull, he's not even close to funny, he had no interesting point about him at all, his hair is already falling out, he's sporting a little tummy and I bet he has no better hobbies than watching cooking shows.”  
“TONY!” Pepper kicked him.  
Well. Phil for his part now really did feel insulted. His hairline wasn't receding _that_ much and his belly was... He looked down and frowned a bit. Beside him Stark smirked victorious. Phil started thinking about choking the man or putting him over his knee. He seemed like he needed a good spanking. 

“Well...” Doctor Phil looked from one to the other and then at Pepper. “What is it then, Virginia?”  
“What do you mean?” Stark again, looking suspicious, like a fret hearing a sound that it didn't care for.  
“Virginia doesn't seem like a person who would go for an empty suit. So, Virginia...what is it that has drawn you to Phil? Why do you want to marry him?”  
Pepper took Phil's hand in hers and laid it on her knees. She looked at him, not at the psychologist. “You, Phil Coulson, are a wonderful person. You are warm and you are reliable.”  
“Reliable is the little brother of badshit boring...”, Stark intercepted. No one acknowledged him.  
Pepper still smiled. “You are funny. Just not overly so. And sometimes it's so nice to see you try. And you can't cook, not for the live of you but you never stop trying, taking it as a personal affront. I can always count on you. No matter how ridiculous the things I need. You could never walk by a kitten in the rain, always taking on strays and then you are surprised when they want to stay by your side.”

“You're no stray.”  
“No. That I am not. And still I want to stay near you.” She leaned forward and kissed his nose.  
Phil smiled and kissed her cheek in return.  
“Oh stop it...” Stark made gacking noises.  
“Tony. How did Phil come here?”  
“Huh?”

Doctor Phil smiled. “You told that this is a very secure place and I saw that for myself when I was brought here. So. How did this man get here?”  
“He's a born nuiscance?” But Stark DID look interested now, just a bit. He looked Phil up and down who tried to look as unassuming as possible. Which meant that he looked like a highly boring accountant. “What did you do before you were fired, Phil?”  
“I wasn't fired.”  
“So what happened?”  
“A slightly disagreement in a matter of moral.”  
“A slightly – did you learn that answer by heart? Nevermind. What was it that you did before?”  
“I was with the military.”  
“As what? Accountant?”  
Phil didn't answer, just raised his eyebrows.  
“Oh a seeeeeeeeeeecret...”  
“I think that's enough Tony.” Pepper stood up and took Phil with her. He smiled and waved at Stark, before he followed his fiancee.

*~*~*

Phil thought that that would be it. He really, really did.  
Maybe he was still a bit naïve. Life without Anthony Stark did this to you.  
He thought that till he was woken at 4 o'clock in the night by someone poking his side. He woke up and had his assaulter on the ground in the next second, a hand around his neck. 

“Glad to see you too, Wesley. Now put some clothes on, we have work to do, places to be!”  
“STARK?” He blinked and loosened his hand.  
“Get a grip, Wes, I don't pay you for crushing me with your enormous weight.”  
“You don't pay me for anything, I am not in your service, Stark.”  
“You are of little faith. Catch up Wes, up, up, up!”  
And this was how Phil started working for Anthony Stark.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Phil. He has no clue, what's happening to him now.


End file.
